They Can't Help It

Sitting on a cardboard box waiting for the Enormo-Mart to open, I was suddenly grabbed by the arm and pulled to my feet. "We need you, now!" yelled a man dressed in Purina checkerboard slacks (ref. Nighthawks at the Diner). Before I could react, I was thrust into a 1995 GMC Rally Vandura G3500 with a 7.4L V8, wood trim interior and custom paint; and away we went. The drive was long and void of scenery until a building appeared alone in the distance. We pulled in front where a sign read "Crystal Springs Theater of the Arts and Crafts for the Attention Deficient". Greeting us at the front door were more Purina checkerboard slacked men, all of whom seemed even more frantic than the next. I was confused but content. Without moving a muscle, I was changed into a viking costume, pushed onto the stage and forced to belt out an a cappella version of "Un aura amorosa". No one seemed to be paying much attention.